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Friday, May 6th, 2005
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1:10 am - neglect (innocent or not)
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i just recently finished a book. it was good enough to make me cry. waaa. sappychick indeed. anyways, i read it because it was recommended by kras. it took me sometime before i even turned the pages. i am not afterall a fan of nicholas sparks. before the wedding i've never read any of his books. im no fan of kevin costner so message in a bottle never aroused the interest for the book. it was too sad i thought. and then a walk to remember was too juvenile. there are just too many coming of age movies that you'd want to spare yourself actually reading the same storyline. and then there was the notebook. that one was really something else! i shamelessly cried inside the theatre :p i didn't quite get enough from the movie so i put the book on my must read list. but before i even had the chance to, there was the wedding.
tama si kras when she said if only all men were like wilson... actually most men are like wilson, the first half anyway. maybe that's why it's fiction. men are just genetically incapable of being sensitive. yay! ka-hopeless naman nun. but really can they be? even my brother is a "pig" hehehe and although my bestfriend does show some sensitivity from time to time, didn't people had doubts about his sexuality? what was that text about sensitive, funny, romantic men being either extinct or gay?
but really wouldn't it be nice if women doesn't have to go out of their way to clue in men about how they feel? and i wonder? who reads nicholas sparks? may lalaki kaya na nagbabasa ng books nya? so far all four stories are about passionate, romantic, sensitive men. men who listen. the notebook and the wedding would have been good reference guides for guys. but i would bet on it... that his readers are women, the hopeless romantics who at the end of the book sigh and wish the female character was them.
sabi ni wilson...
Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day.
and this is another insomnia attack for me :(
current mood:  awake
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| Monday, February 7th, 2005
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9:45 pm - into the fire
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feel terribly stressed out!
and angry!!!!!!!
and despetate...
have i really bitten more than what i can chew this time?
can anyone please give me a break!
current mood:  angry
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| Monday, January 31st, 2005
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7:53 pm - somebody
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I want somebody to shareShare the rest of my lifeShare my innermost thoughtsKnow my intimate detailsSomeone who'll stand by my sideAnd give me supportAnd in returnShe'll get my supportShe will listen to meWhen I want to speakAbout the world we live inAnd life in generalThough my views may be wrongThey may even be pervertedShe'll hear me outAnd won't easily be convertedTo my way of thinkingIn fact she'll often disagreeBut at the end of it allShe will understand meAaaahhhhh....I want somebody who caresFor me passionatelyWith every thought andWith every breathSomeone who'll help me see thingsIn a different lightAll the things I detestI will almost likeI don't want to be tiedTo anyone's stringsI'm carefully trying to steer clear ofThose thingsBut when I'm asleepI want somebodyWho will put their arms around meAnd kiss me tenderlyThough things like thisMake me sickIn a case like thisI'll get away with itAaaahhhhh....
...have i found my soulmate?
current mood:  hopeful
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7:50 pm - so this is 2005?
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so far, everything hasn't lived up to my expectations.
is it a matter of attitude and outlook towards the changes and challenges?
i am trying, but it seems it's not enough.
current mood:  determined
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| Friday, December 3rd, 2004
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9:17 pm - onto the next chapter
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just recently bid goodbye to a fun and eventful chapter. haven't catched my breath yet. but the next chapter begins tomorrow.
i hope it will be as fulfilling as the last one.
... let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.
(Hebrews 12:1)
current mood:  excited
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3:11 pm - con't... email from jenny
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Dear Friends,
For shame, for shame~ how we could have overlooked to do this important
thing last night. Thank you for raising the matter, Tito Ed. What you said
is absolutely correct. And sadly we all missed the opportunity. This is a
real eye opener, and I hope that Stel will forgive us for the oversight.
And so I raise my bottle of beer to say thank you for being the best friend
that anyone could ever ask for, hands-down. I will miss our spur-of-the
moment rendez-vous in Galleria and our drinking sessions at Oody's where we
talk about love, life and everything else under the sun. Thank you for your
never-say-die spirit, for pushing and prodding me to believe that life is
always going to be better. I will miss you more than you, or even I, will
ever know.
Go and kick some serious butt in Mindanao, girl. We look forward to your
stories the next time you come to Manila and we have our drinks in your
hotel lobby (at Smart's account!).
Kisses, kisses
Jenny
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1:48 pm - goodbyes to best friends
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last wednesday was my "surprise" despedida party with my best buds. my dearies. and it turned out to be a real fun reunion. it didn't even feel like my going away party. as i jokingly told all my office friends, my goodbye was upstaged by some other extatic news - vina being pregnant and ed announcing his final wedding plans. and of course there was the fact that we'd be meeting jenny's boyfriend. on top of that, there was caps, a college buddy we haven't seen since graduation, and basia, ed's friend.
i had the time of my life and i never even seriously thought about my impending departure. nhot until bobby made me cry with his we will miss you stell pangungulit. so i still ended up crying. but not until i read ed's email that i really felt like bawling. what else can i say. i love my friends...
> Dear friends,
>
> As I was driving home to Marikina from Decades, I recalled the events that
> took place in that bar. Aside from the business talk between Randy and
> Bobby, the ulayaw between Jenny and Randy, and Bobby making Stella cry,
> there was also the matter of Basia proposing toasts to Stella. It was the
> latter that struck me the most. It was Basia, a friend by coincidence, an
> acquaintance if you may, offering those good words for Stella! Not Vina,
> Jam, Jenny, Bobby or me! Surprise, surprise! We are supposed to be her best
> friends! Sadly, we were as quiet as silence itself in mentioning our
> praises.
>
> I think we failed Stella there my friends. There was our golden chance to
> say our pieces, but we missed it by a thousand miles. Perhaps, that's
> because we have grown accustomed to her kindness and loyalty that we take
> these wonderful qualities for granted now; that we do not need to ventilate
> them for the world to hear, for we know deep in our hearts that she is all
> those things and more. That there is no need for words.
>
> But that is an injustice to our best friend Stella. We should have mentioned
> them. Right there. Right then. While she could hear and appreciate them. Not
> when she's as far away as the stars. Not when the vast emptiness of the
> oceans separate us. Of course, there is sun cellular to connect us 24/7, but
> the effect is not just the same. It has never been.
>
> Because it is true. She is one of the most loyal friends we will ever have.
> Mention any problem, and she will be there to listen. All ears. Give advice
> and extend support. Rightly or wrongly. As strongly and steadily as a rock.
> Even fighting someone else's girlfriend/boyfriend.
>
> And so Stella, a most loyal friend, in behalf of everyone, I raise a glass
> of beer to you! All the best dear friend! May your stars shine even brighter
> in Mindanao! Godspeed! Cheers!
>
> Ed
current mood: touched
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| Thursday, November 25th, 2004
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1:56 pm - song in my mp3 (and in my head?)
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Real Thing
(Kalapana)
Here comes the night
Once again
I'll be feeling lonely
Oh, if only things could work out like you plan
Where can love be
Tell me why it's so hard to find somebody
Who will stand by me
And take the time to understand
And show me love again
I want the real thing
Or nothing at all
I need someone that I can be sure will catch me
If I should fall
Someone who'll be there when I call
Then I'll know that it's the real thing
I want the real thing
To warm me each night
Someone to love me over and over
Making the future bright
Someone who'll be there when I call
Just give me the real thing
Where is the moon?
Won't it smile
On just one more dreamer
Let your beams come down
And fill my empty room
Here comes the night
But if there's still a chance
That love can find me
I'll be here
Crossing my fingers
I want to know for sure
That I can feel secure
Knowing I've found an everlasting love
And once I get that under control
Then I won't let go
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12:41 pm - quick and not-so-painless
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Appears my question has been answered. Is it sustainable? I guess not. In the reason, season, lifetime framework, he most likely was a reason. He appeared from out of nowhere, and as quickly as he came, he’s gone. Grabe! I can’t quite reconcile the sweetness and the thoughtfulness and the clipped, matter-of-fact way he started to treat me last night. Patient-doctor relationship indeed! I’d be lying if I say I’m not affected. I am. Super! I was quite accustomed to having the silly smile after all. Goodbye then? That’s how it appears.
So it all begun in Friendster, therefore it’s only befitting to say goodbye there. Why not since he has already ignored my texts.
Full circle?
"...Hi. I thought long and hard about the doctor-patient relationship that you mentioned. I’m not sure exactly where you’re coming from but I suppose it can’t be THAT bad. More than anything, I just want to thank you. You’ve given me so much more since our paths crossed again here. For that I will be forever grateful to you and will always consider you to be special. Bye... And, maybe the patient will call on the doctor once in a while…
current mood:  sad
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| Wednesday, November 24th, 2004
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8:37 pm - free fall
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why? do i really know? or do i even want to know? ewan. one day it just happened. strange but he can manage to put THAT silly smile on my face. and make me laugh... and make me squirm in annoyance as well. and i miss him... miss talking to him kahit nonsense. crazy!
current mood: happy
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| Friday, November 12th, 2004
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2:25 pm - wish come true
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We are a strange bunch. God must really be perfect to indulge us the way He does. We keep of praying for blessings to come our way. When we don't get it, we get frustrated and angry. And when we do get it, we sometimes think if we should have asked for it in the frist place. Crazy and hard to please. that's what we are.
and that's what i am at the moment. after years of praying and wanting, God finally blessed me with a great opportunity. a great job that will allow me to be nearer my family. a great job that will still afford me to be in touch with my friends in manila every now and then. and yet, when i finally got the notice all i can think about was how am i gonna survive outside of my comfort zone?
everyone who knows about this is very happy for the blessing, especially my mama. to her, i've been away too long already. my friends too think it's a good opportunity to let pass. and save for a few unfounded fears, i would have jumped for joy, too.
it's probably just the shock. it's but a natural reaction to have qualms about changes. i have no idea how my life is going to be once i relocate. i won't even try to guess. but i have faith in god. i know he wouldn't give me this if he knew i wouldn't be able to handle it. i'm sure there is a lesson to be learned somewhere. or a mission to fulfill. basta, i'll be alright.
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| Wednesday, November 10th, 2004
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10:54 am - questions of life
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Ba’t kaya ganun? Whether you have good intentions or not, there will always be people who will think the worse of you. Not that you care about what other people think, coz after all you’re only suppose to care about the people who matters. But friends matter and it’s such a let down when even friends misunderstand. And you ask, what you have done wrong this time? Silly right? How can you be wrong when you have the right motives to begin with? What’s a person to do? Nothing. Except to remain a friend coz real friends stand by you inspite and despite of. Such is life, as I know it.
current mood: angry
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| Friday, October 22nd, 2004
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9:31 am - my bestfriend's wedding
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i wonder what my bestfriend is doing right now? it's her civil wedding today. i know nothing of the details except that we will all meet for lunch at the balay kalinaw later.
what's up with that? i have completely no idea how vina is holding up! grabe! i know this isn't the way she dreamt it would be. but then again, it's her choice to go through with it.
i can't wait for the mall to open. i still don't have a gift for them! pwede ba naman wala akong gift sa wedding nya? hay. i know it can't be, but why did it took me this long to get a gift? because i really have no idea what to give them! hahaha pano ba naman yun? they're just doing the ceremony and then they both will go back to their individual way of life. nic is going back to the US on tues (yup! not even a decent honeymoon!!!!). and vina for her part will still live at gie's. i was planning to gift them with a bible, the one for married couples. i saw one in national bookstore quezon ave before but when i checked, there's none in gale or ever. ayan tuloy wala pa akong gift. plan B na lang, some he/she personal stuff. yuck! how uninspired hehehe
we'll good luck to vines! i truly hope her's will be a happy ending. they say happiness is relative so i truly hope she finds her happiness and contentment. we (ed, jenny, jam) may have a different say on this matter but for her sake we hope it works :)
and as she told me several times, love is a choice and she made that choice today!
basta ako, i've prettified myself for this occasion ;-)
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| Tuesday, October 19th, 2004
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12:26 pm - waiting for the moment
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the past two days seem like a normal day. people may have seen me and think nothing is the matter with her. to some, i'm the usual masungit, unapproachable person. to those who know me, i might look a little hagard and unattentive to which they will dismiss as just an after-event stress. and to my friends, they know i'm truly on edge.
for my part, i am just totally lost. wanting something really bad and not knowing if you'll get it or not is really a test noone in his right mind would enjoy. it must be the same feeling as being in a precipice. that unpleasant anxiety whether you will fall or by some luck find an anchor to hold on to.
i try to go on like nothing unusual is happening. but half my conciousness is waiting for that phone to ring! will the call ever go through? when?
yesterday i woke up with a huge hope that my day will end differently than the other days. that my luck would at least hold until i get it.
unfortunately, i just spent yesterday waiting. and this morning wasn't any different.
i'm sad. but i still cannot quell some measure of optimism. i believe i deserve it. but is it what God want for me? but why not? God knows what my heart desires. and i truly believe that a lot of people will be happiest if it does happen. still, bakit wala pa?
pero sabi nga ni sorsi...
Lesson # 1: Always wear your lucky pants...but remember to wash it=P
Lesson # 2: A watched phone never rings...
Lesson # 3: Ilang beses nang nasabi...If you're not the one....then you;re not the one=P but gaya ng ginagawa mo kay John...never say die parin=P
easier said than done though. i just pray i've the faith to hold on and hope for the best.
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| Tuesday, October 5th, 2004
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6:54 pm - SPAM: Who Completes You?
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it's one of those days when i have soooo much that needs to be done but i just couldn't quite summon the energy to get down to business. what to do? lot's of AIDS (as if doing something). to me this includes cleaning up my email folders.
here's something that i found buried in my inbox. and what excellent timing! the past few days, i've been reevaluating my life. sadly, almost always i zero in on the void.
it would do me well to pound this article into my head ;-)
Who Completes You?
by unknown
I believe almost everyone remembers that Jerry Maguire line "You complete me." Even I was taken the first time I watched the movie. The second time,I was skeptic about whether such a man exists. The third time, I began to get annoyed at how these movies portray unrealistic men. The fourth time, I began to wonder about myself and whether there was anything wrong with me to have not yet found such a man. The fifth time, I got depressed. That was my signal to cheer myself up with shopping, so I headed off to the mall.
Sitting in one of my favorite coffeeshops, slowly sipping my tall cafe mocha, I pondered at my single state. Do I really want to be in a relationship? Do I really feel that something is lacking in my life? I admit, there are inevitable moments when I would feel that undeniable longing for an Other. But one thing I also realized was that the longing does not go on forever. It wanes, and then it rests. And except for those times when the longing would hit me hard, I am almost always content, and actually happy.
I look at my friends and I see how they fill up special spaces in my life. I look at my parents and see the same thing. I look at the person in Starbucks carefully crisscrossing the chocolate syrup on my vanilla cream frapuccino and I realize he contributes as much to my happiness as my boss who tells me that I have been given a salary increase.
What is my point? That in every event in my daily life, there is a good number of people in it, all moving in perfect synchronicity. When I decide to immerse myself in gloom because I have not yet found The One, it is like I am putting all my conditions for happiness and fulfillment in one elusive, most-likely-nonexistent person. Not only that, I fail to appreciate the simple joys presented to me every day which, in the end, is what I have to live through whether I have a partner or not.
Living through the every day is what I often forgot to consider when I start dreaming about my prince charming. As some people have asked: what happens in the ever after of fairy tales?
The longing struck me just a few weeks ago, and it happened simultaneously with a certain personal event. I had thought --- oh, alright, I had assumed that a certain someone was harboring secret feelings about me. The person then had started to confide in me about being helplessly attracted to someone, but he would not tell me who the mystery girl was. My goodness, the way my mind worked and found every possible explanation and elaboration just to prove that it was me he was talking about. I was thinking, if indeed I was the one, then it would be the first time that any man would have been drawn to me so strongly. And I was thinking that would be a major signal that my destiny was shifting. That perhaps after this breakthrough, there would be more romantic opportunities coming my way.
But, to my utter disappointment, he finally confided in me who the woman was, and it wasn't me. All that time, I had felt certain. So much for shifting destiny and luck. I was quite numb after his revelation, and then I heard the slow tinkling of my shattering ego. Then I began to realize how I had pinned my hopes and my feeling of being affirmed as a woman in his confession of love for me. So what do I do now that I wasn't the intended recipient of his affections? Do I see myself as less whole, or lacking?
Before I would have probably cried myself to sleep.In fact, I tried to do that but it just didn't feel right anymore. I was too easily distracted from that disappointment by so many other good things happening at the same time in my life. Then slowly I realized that having a partner is only one possible ingredient in my life to make my life complete and happy. I don't have to let it become a rule.
Meanwhile, I am exploring my writing, some photography, home design and traveling. I have my friends to share my discoveries with, and I have found specific friends to be perfect companions for specific activities.
In fact, I have friends who can perfectly fulfill the various supposed roles of a husband or a boyfriend. Except perhaps the sex. But I haven't really had any experience in that arena so I guess what the heart does not see or feel, the heart does not desire. At least that's a big load off the occasional longings.
So what completes me? It's many things, and many people, and what unifies everything is quite possibly my choice to see my life in its totality and not only by its parts. A romantic life is something I would not hesitate to venture into, but it is only one of many.
current mood:  contemplative
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| Friday, September 17th, 2004
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8:52 pm - time warp
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i admire people to stick to their planners. i am not really the type who religiously log my day in a planner. funny how i would always get a lot of planners as gift during christmas. i usually select the best looking one hoping that it would inspire me to actually write in it. thing is, it never worked. funnier still is that there's a pattern in my planner. just when my days are so busy and hectic, that's when my personal planner looks immaculate! my date navigation is stuck in the days of the week cycle.
no wonder i sort had a time warp when i heard my fave christmas song yesterday. i just got past the mall entrance, and halfway through a yawn when the song registered in my brain! am i really hearing "i'll be home for christmas"? anong buwan na ba? and then it hit me! could it really be mid-september already? geez! ang bilis!
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| Wednesday, July 7th, 2004
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6:24 pm - breaking down
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there is a limit to everything. no matter how you look at things in the most possitive light, you just come to a point when both mind and body refuse to accept anything. info overload. and then the body follows.
what happens when you retch at the thought of work? you know there's much to be done and there's more coming your way. what happens when you feel alone in all your struggle? what happens when the one person you ask for help merely shrugs?
it felt good to shed a few tears. but it wasn't enough. time to detach... disappear even for a while.
current mood: numb
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| Friday, July 2nd, 2004
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9:34 pm - something to smile about
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today is a wonderful day. inspite of and despite of. thoughfulness really lifts the spirit :)
...to get a cake with candles on it when all lights are dim and people singing
...to be greeted by office friends
...to hear someone say you don't look your age
...to get a surprise lunch from people you work with
...to recieve nice gifts
...to get a kiss (no matter how innocent and platonic) from your crush ;-)
...to be the center of the universe just for a day
i hope today is only a beginning of a far better tomorrow. i may be working on my own special day but i still hope it will be a lot better. God i'm such a sucker for attention :p
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| Wednesday, June 30th, 2004
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6:06 pm - i miss kulit
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i discovered a cool site today, dogster.com. it's like a friendster for dogs. when i saw my officemate browsing through the site, i knew i just have to sign up for kulit
...and then it hit me. i miss kulit. a lot! possibly because he's really the only one that i truly have in manila. and maybe because he made me feel useful, like a have a purpose no matter how inconsequential it might be.
i miss our evening runs. our vet appointments. i miss his excitement over things. i even miss his nasty habits of gnawing shoes and earphones. i miss giving him baths and talking to him.
i'm pretty sure kulit is happier in the province. but geez! my blood still boils whenever i see that neighbor. hmp! kung hindi dahil sa malditang yun i would still have kulit with me. hmp!
so what do i do? hay naku! i guess bookmark kulit's webpage :(
current mood: pensive
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| Wednesday, June 16th, 2004
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8:54 am - is there more to life...
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... than work?
there ought to be! but for 6 weeks now work was all there is. how pathetic can that be?
current mood: cranky
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sappychick's journal